...

< or "beb overhsares and dies, part 1" >

....so, what's all this about, where am i gone, and what's going on

ever since accepting myself as trans at around December of last year (maybe i'll get more into it later at some point), i've been on quite a self-discovery journey, onset period of which concluded a week ago..

for the first time in entire life (that's 22 years at the moment) i got to feel... real emotions, as absurd as it might seem..
not just 'pretend' that i feel them, or 'think' that i feel them, but.. feel them, for real, and it broke me

the catalyst of it was a song by WillyRodriguez, Wetdream, which- yeah i listened to it before, but kinda in the background, without paying much attention to lyrics (which isn't what i usually do, but this one eluded me for some time somehow)
and then i did, and then it broke me, badly, and i can't quite explain why

it's not the first time the music has done it to me, third in fact, before were CSH's Twin Fantasy and Doefriends I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN albums that both were lifechaning for me in (maybe will tell someday later?), but this was by far the most heavy of these music-induced mental breakdowns,
as while Wetdream managed to break me down on its own, a momnetary decision to listen to Glass Beach have altered me as a person forever

this surge of emotions, love, fear, hope, regret, happiness, sadnesss, hollowness, aliveness, all the repressed feelings since late childhood (i think severe depression started somewhere around there?) all flooded at once, seemingly.. breaking through whatever it was that was stopping me from..

FEELING

i am scared, i am hopeful, i am full of regret, i am full of optimism for the future, i am hopelessly lonely, i am deeply in love, i feel so hollow, but i feel so ALIVE
it's quite painful, but.. it's beautiful

.......i hope it was at least somehow coherent, i am not a good writer, especially this late x-x