< ughhh maybe skip this and next one- >
never felt safe in my life, and i am not sure exactly.. when it started
seemingly from childhood i lost all my trust to my family (dad is the exception, but we rarely seen each other since childhood), could never fully share my thoughts, feelings, my likes or dislikes, without being criticised and disregarded... and so at some point i.. stopped
i became very.. bland, and secretive around them, never really sharing what i'm up to, what's on my mind, "yeah im fine", you know how goes (..and if you do, i am sorry), but the worst part is.. i became scared of them finding out anything
and it didn't matter what it was, it could be a game i'm playing, video i'm watching, music i'm listening, reading, eating, wearing, saying, thinking- ANYTHING, i became scared of them knowing.. anything, even the most innocent, mundane things, i became hypervigilant, every smallest sound behind the door, every footstep in the house, how much noise i'm making, where everyone is, and how to hide
writing this now, i realise that this is one of the causes (along with undiagnosed autism and adhd) for the severe depression that started (as far as i remember, which isn't a lot), soon after primary, but the child me wouldn't even know such words at a time, but he(..did she know?) sure knew what lonliness, disconnect, seperation, alienation, distrust, betrayal of trust, and being scared of other people felt, bottling up everything, blaming myself for everything, whom else?
at some point i also started realising that i'm not exactly straight (..which being where i am you can roughly imagine the opinions of people about 'these people'), and don't exactly feel manly (i wish i knew that being trans is a thing at a time..), and both of these things had to be hidden extensively, not helping the situation at all..
..until i found my first real friend online at around 2019
the series of coincidences of how i got there is fascinating, but that's not the topic for today, important thing is - i finally got someone to be honest with, someone to try and be 'myself' with, even though i didn't quite know what 'myself' even is after all these years.. i finally felt like i'm not alone on this godforsaken planet
then i became furry, and found an even closer group of friends at a time, it became my little safe space, where i could escape away from mental torments of life (it didn't last for too too long, but i still have some of my closest people out of there <3)
((i also started drawing at around this time (2021? 2022? unsure), getting inspired by many artist friends from that group))
..while online i slowly started being myself, the absolute whiplash of coming back to 'real life' became oh so much worse, with so, so many things to hide..
yeah, i was an adult at this point, but i could not even begin to think about seriously opening up about anything to my family, not with all the failed attempts at doing so that backfired on me imediately..
such was the status-quo for the past 4 years, i was slowly realising who i am, what's 'wrong with me', slowly becoming 'myself'..
there were some ups and downs in the trust, of course, but the overall state was getting tenser, especially after me accepting myself as trans, i can't hide that forever (mentally or uhhh physically (.)(.)), and so i needed to get out
i moved out from parents about two months ago, not unreachably far, they still technically own the place, but at least.. somewhere not directly with them
..and it was the best i ever felt
finally feeling.. myself.. i could live how i want, do what i want, wear what i want, eat what i want, listen to what i want, touch guitar whenever, speak, laugh, cry, make sounds, be- myself.
the hardest part was getting to feel 'safe', for the first time in my life, i didn't know how to even feel it, i never did before..
once you spend the past dozen or so years in a constant state of hypervigilance, you forget what.. living is
i only started feeling 'safe' and 'alive' in the past week, after going to a local music/clubbing/whatever event as.. myself
(funnily, met my dad there, who either understood everything and haven't said anything, or somehow didn't get it despite me being with an eyeliner, in a sport/crop top, cargo pants with dangling trans dogtag and chains, and bracelet with trans/pan/lesbian flags, but was super chill about it regardless, was fun to hangout with)
and here i am, finally feeling safe.... UNTIL I FUCKING WASNT AHAHAHAAHAHAHaaa